


Such a heavenly way to die.

by hourtohour



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, But just a little, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Multi, Park Seonghwa-centric, angst baby, ateez getting drunk, but no actual smut, constant hook-ups, constant let downs too!, for now?, hongjoong has issues, hongjoong makes seonghwa's heart flutter but he also makes him suffer, insecurity turned nice feelings turned insecurity, keeping secrets is not good for mental health, san and yeosang are very caring friends, san is a cool kid, seonghwa's character is a little ooc, summary's are hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24921463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hourtohour/pseuds/hourtohour
Summary: I thought oh God, my chance has come at last (but then a strange fear gripped me and I just couldn't ask).//Seonghwa doesn't realize just how much he's hurting until he can't take it anymore.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa, Park Seonghwa & Everyone
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	Such a heavenly way to die.

**Author's Note:**

> the title, chapter titles and summary are from there is a light that never goes out by the smiths, but the work itself doesn't follow the song's story

The flickering of the neon lights inside the house was making Seonghwa dizzy.

It was also probably due to the fact that he was one shot away from blacking out on that very kitchen. “Seonghwa” someone whispered in his ear, “let’s dance.” Although he wasn’t sure who it was, he allowed himself to be dragged away from the fridge and towards the living room, where the music was loudest and the beat travelled from the tip of your toes to the ends of your hair like lightning.

Even dancing with this person he couldn’t remember their name, his face felt familiar but blurry and his hands slowly travelling south felt hypnotizing. 

His eyes were glued to the handsome man’s own until a hand tapped him on the shoulder. Hongjoong. He recognized him immediately after turning to look at the owner of the hand.

“Hey man, can I borrow Seonghwa for a moment?” The other guy - _ how could Seonghwa completely forget his name?-  _ nodded, although he glared at Hongjoong, and said something that Seonghwa didn’t quite catch because of the loud music; but it had sounded quite rude.

Seonghwa let himself be dragged away again, though this time he had no idea where he was being taken. He really trusted Hongjoong, so it was okay. 

As they passed the stairs he saw his friend Yeosang sitting on top of a boy while making out, he wanted to yell something embarrassing in his direction but the more he looked at them the more he noticed awkward details, like the fact that his best friend had a hand down that guy’s pants and said guy was enjoying whatever was going on way too much; so he ended up just looking away.

“Where are we going?” Seonghwa finally asked. 

He felt like this was at least the third time they had gone around the same room and that was not doing any favors to his pounding head.

“I’m trying to find San,” Hongjoong answered, putting his arm around Seonghwa’s waist, keeping him close as they approached the living room once again, “he told me to get you away from Changkyun.” 

A frown grew on Seonghwa’s face. Why was Hongjoong lying to him? 

He had already spotted San in the backyard playing beer pong with some other guys, he was the one closest to the glass doors and, with his neon green pants on, Seonghwa doubted that Hongjoong hadn’t seen him yet. But he said nothing.

Not until they walked a few more steps and saw Changkyun, whose name Seonghwa had not succeeded in remembering until Hongjoong mentioned it, standing about two meters away from where they were walking and made an abrupt u-turn that left Seonghwa green in the face. “I’m gonna puke” he announced before gagging.

“No! No! Wait!” Hongjoong comforted him by rubbing circles on his back and walking slowly towards the glass doors to the backyard, “you just need fresh air and water,” they stepped out of the house and Seonghwa did feel immediately better “wait here with San.” Hongjoong went back inside while Seonghwa latched himself to San’s back, closing his eyes when the younger boy started running his fingers through his hair and continued playing with his free hand.

As he heard the people around the table talking he realized that they were all probably as drunk as he was. Not at all excluding San, who burst out in laughter every two seconds and stumbled every time he tried to take a step.

Suddenly every person on the other end of the table started cheering while San and his two teammates groaned. “How can we be so bad at this?” San asked the two guys, Seonghwa could hear the pout on his face but less than a second later he started laughing, “we have four left, someone has to drink two.”

Just as one of them suggested they play rock, paper, scissors to decide who would drink the last one, Seonghwa spoke out “I’ll drink it.” His mouth had definitely been quicker than his brain. The guys started cheering and one of them pat him in the back with way too much force, almost making him lose his balance.

San handed him the red cup with a big and bright smile. “Bottoms up Hwa,” Seonghwa smiled back at him and together with the other two boys they chugged their drinks; the people on the other side of the table laughed excited as San’s shirt got drenched in beer and Seonghwa couldn’t help but laugh too once he was done with his own beer, though he stopped laughing once he saw Hongjoong standing at the door. He was holding a bottle of blue gatorade that he’d probably taken from the fridge and had a disapproving look on his face. Once he met Seonghwa’s eyes, his own softened and with his hand he motioned Seonghwa to come closer; which he, of course, immediately did. 

Without sparing another look at the beer pong table he took the gatorade in his hands and for the third time in less than twenty minutes was dragged across the house, but this time they didn’t stop until they were out of the front door.

There was no one except for them two on the porch, Hongjoong let out the breath he’d been holding and finally seemed to relax his shoulders.

Seonghwa sat on the floor with his back against the wall and started desperately drinking the gatorade. Every drop of it felt like heaven on his throat. 

“Your hair’s all messed up.”

And he felt like a mess too. Especially with his crush looking down at him, with one hand holding a piece of his hair and the other tucked inside the pocket of his jeans. Seonghwa couldn’t decide if he looked like an angel or a demon as the moonlight surrounded his figure; but he had the unsettling feeling that he’d do anything Hongjoong asked him to do.

He had to get away before he said or did something stupid.

Hongjoong smirked as Seonghwa turned his head slightly to the left and instinctively tugged his hair to make him look at him again; this time his lips were slightly apart and his eyes half-lidded. “Fuck,” he groaned “you’re so hot Seonghwa.”

He couldn’t help it when he dropped to his knees and, before Seonghwa could properly process what he’d just said, smashed his lips against Seonghwa’s.

For a moment Seonghwa struggled to keep up with the rough and quick pace of the kiss, until his hands unconsciously landed on the back of Hongjoong’s neck and he felt a bit more in control. When Hongjoong traced his bottom lip with his tongue, he instinctively opened his mouth widely, causing Hongjoong to chuckle.

The hand that was still in his hair loosened its grip and went to grab his chin.With his eyes still closed Seonghwa whimpered as Hongjoong separated himself a few centimeters to look at him. “So, so pretty” he said sweetly, Seonghwa’s eyes fluttered open and he could have melted just from feeling how genuine those words had sounded, but seeing the way those eyes looked at him with both lust and affection…  _ god _ , he was about to lose it.

Seonghwa threw himself to Hongjoong, connecting their lips again; this time allowing Hongjoong’s tongue to enter his mouth like it had belonged there from the start. He was about to let out an embarrassing sound when he heard footsteps inside and Hongjoong quickly separated himself again, he chased after the kiss until a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

Hongjoong stood up, reaching out an arm and helping Seonghwa stand up too.

Maybe the kissing had intoxicated him even more but with every step his legs trembled more and he would be stumbling all over the sidewalk if he didn’t have both his arms wrapped around one of Hongjoong’s. His eyes travelled between Hongjoon’s face and his feet constantly, he wanted to keep looking at his lips and think about kissing them, he wanted Hongjoong to look at him and think about kissing him too; so many of these thoughts crossed his mind so quickly that he had only just noticed that they were walking away from the party.

“Where are we going now?” Seonghwa asked pouting, he pressed his cheek to the other’s shoulder. Hongjoong giggled and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“My car’s just around the corner.”

  
  
  


When he woke up, Seonghwa could feel the soreness in his hips before he’d even opened his eyes. He thought he must have fallen while dancing the night before and simply doesn’t remember; actually, the harder he thinks about it the more he realizes he doesn’t remember a thing from the party.

Stirring lightly he finally opens his eyes, and shuts them closed when the light hits and his head starts throbbing. Sitting up on the bed with his hands covering his eyes he groans and tries to slowly get used to the sunlight coming through the window.  _ Wait _ , the sunlight coming through the window? If there’s one thing that Seonghwa absolutely remembers, it’s that his roommates would never allow the blinds to be open before 12… what time was it?

He opens his eyes completely this time, finding himself in a familiar room, but not his own.

His eyes widened, his heartbeat raced against his chest and, almost against his will, he let out a horrific scream when he noticed a naked Hongjoong lying in the bed, with an arm wrapped around his waist, staring at him.

“Wait Seonghwa,” Hongjoong tried to get him to calm down as Seonghwa jumped out of the bed wrapping the bedsheets around himself and running towards the bathroom once he’d taken a pair of boxers from the floor “what are you doing?” Hongjoong laughed from outside the bathroom door, putting on a pair of gym shorts he had draped over the top of his desk chair.

Seonghwa opened the door, now wearing the boxers, with teary eyes. “What am  _ I _ doing? What are  _ you  _ doing?” His breathing sounded harsh, he pushed Hongjoong away, going to look for his clothes on the floor while wiping his eyes. “What the fuck happened?”

Little flashes of last night started coming to his mind. Taking shots with Yeosang, dancing with Changkyun, chugging beer with San, walking to Hongjoong’s car and later making out with him in this very room.

“Did we… did we really?” Without looking to where Hongjoong was standing, he gestured towards the bed and the scattered clothes with shaky hands.

“Shit, you really don’t remember anything…” Hongjoong mumbled, sitting on the floor a few meters away from his friend “uhm, you were very drunk and I… I was a little less drunk, but well…” Hongjoong laughed awkwardly, glancing at Seonghwa nervous of his reaction “yeah, we did” he admitted.

It’s almost been a minute of neither of them saying anything and Seonghwa’s starting to believe he’ll disappear if he just keeps quiet for another minute and be able to avoid the extreme humiliation he feels.

Hongjoong clears his throat. “Hwa…” 

Upon hearing his voice Seonghwa seems to realize that he’s still mostly naked because he takes the button up shirt Hongjoong had been wearing the night before and puts it on, trying to cover the purple marks forming on his chest as quickly as possible. Hongjoong’s feels warm seeing the man in front of him but he can’t shake the flustered and tense atmosphere they were currently in. Remembering how Seonghwa had cried and screamed seeing him first thing in the morning made him want to crawl in a hole.

“I’m sorry,” Seonghwa stood up finally facing Hongjoong “shit, this is so humiliating” he hid his face in his hands, trying desperately not to hyperventilate. He’s about to start apologizing again when Hongjoong’s hands take hold of his and lower them from his face, revealing his watery eyes, rosy cheeks and trembling lip.

Now that Seonghwa has seen his face, he feels even worse. Hongjoong’s looking at him with a frown and eyes full of confusion. “Hwa breath,” he makes a pause, putting his hands on Seonghwa’s shoulders “you always freak out after sleeping with someone?” he asked, trying, and failing might I add, to lighten the mood.

Seonghwa scoffs. “Stop it, you and I, together like that… it’s not whatever.” 

To explain it simply, they are friends, they’ve been friends for years; hooking up would mean risking their friendship and making things awkwards for the rest of their friends. That’s true, it’s part of the reason that Seonghwa wishes this was just a twisted dream caused by his horrible hangover.

The whole truth though, would include the fact that Seonghwa has been practically in love with Hongjoong for the last three years, since they started at college, and he just couldn’t let himself keep misunderstanding the things that his friend does around him; Yeosang had been begging him to move on and start seriously seeing other people for the last year. And he was trying, he swore, but apparently his drunk self did not care at all about how much effort he’d been putting into this and decided to throw it all down the drain for a one night stand that would definitely fuck him up.

Hongjoong could almost hear the gears turning inside Seonghwa’s head and see steam coming out of his ears. “Why not?”

_ Shit.  _ Hongjoong thought. Because as soon as that question had left his mouth, Seonghwa had started opening and closing his mouth with absolutely no words coming out; it could have been pretty comical, if not for the tears pooling in his eyes and threatening to run down his face.

Hongjoong chuckled nervously before placing a sweet, light kiss on the corner of Seonghwa’s mouth. “You’re thinking too much,” he starts poking Seonghwa’s forehead “I can hear the thoughts inside that pretty head of yours,” he cups his face in one hand, keeping the other on his shoulder, massaging it lightly.

Seonghwa doesn’t know what he’s supposed to feel now, even less what he’s supposed to do. He thinks of Yeosang, looking at him with pity everytime he mentions his feelings towards Hongjoong, but…  _ fuck it. _

“I really like you,” Seonghwa whispers, feeling a boost of confidence at the way Hongjoong smiles “like, a lot.”

Hongjoong’s smile broadens. “I know,” he chuckles ”I like you too.”

“They always say you don’t,” Seonghwa sounds almost confused at the response.

“I’m right here telling you I do, aren’t I?”

Seonghwa nods, and then starts thinking again. “I didn’t even think you liked boys,” he hesitates “you never said anything like that, we always thought you were straight.”

“And you still liked me,” Hongjoong pinches Seonghwa’s cheeks with a smirk plastered on his face “baby, that’s embarrassing” he jokes with eyes full of adoration.

Seonghwa scoffs and laughs, more at himself than anything else. “You don’t have to tell me that.”

A moment of silence settles between them. Seonghwa can only look into Hongjoong’s eyes, in search for something that might tell him that he’s just being teased; Hongjoong seems to be able to sense that hesitation in Seonghwa because he frowns before nodding.

“I like you Seonghwa” he states, looking deep into the other’s eyes, determined to get his message across.

Seonghwa pouts, and Hongjoong can’t help but laugh as he asks, “really?”

“Yeah,” he answers softly. Seonghwa smiles wide, probably the widest he has smiled in a very long time, in a way, now that he’d heard the confirmation of reciprocate feelings his skin itched, longing for the touch of the man in front of him. He thought he might even be satisfied with their shoulders touching as they sat on the couch. “Should I do something to prove it?”

Seonghwa shakes his head, and yet he comes up with something guaranteed to soothe him in an instant. 

“Hug me?”

Hongjoong pretends to think about it, finding himself entertained by the way Seonghwa can’t stop shifting his weight from one foot to another while also playing with his fingers. This was positively the most restless he’d ever seen Seonghwa. He finally goes in to hug the fidgety boy, before he can start biting the inside of his cheek like Hongjoong knows he does when nervous. He circles Seonghwa around his waist and lets out a deep breath when Seonghwa slumps against him and finally relaxes. 

The hug is longer than a normal hug, but Seonghwa thinks he could stay like that for another hour if given the opportunity; unfortunately for him, Hongjoong pulled away and took a step back.

Once jittery Seonghwa seemed much more calm after a simple hug, a fire lit itself in Hongjoong’s heart after noticing. Affection after pining for such a long time worked miracles apparently. Hongjoong sighed. A wave of nostalgia for something that had just happened hit him. Reality came crashing down, like it had been waiting to get him since the moment he’d let his alcohol-induced mind take control of his actions. 

Right above Seonghwa’s shoulder he could see the picture of his parents hanging on the wall, he distorted his parent’s faces in his imagination. His mother’s sweet smile turned cynical and the lines on his father’s forehead deepened until they formed a harsh frown; like they both knew for sure now, like they had witnessed his doings and disapproved of them. 

But Hongjoong couldn’t let himself look fazed.

He met Seonghwa’s eyes once more, this time he looked concentrated as he studied every movement Hongjoong made, like he too could hear the thoughts inside his head. Hongjoong sighed again.

“I’m sorry Hwa,” he smiled weakly towards the other man.

Seonghwa frowned upon his sudden change in mood. “What for?” he asked in a whisper, fearing he’d be dizzy from so many turns so early in the morning; though the physical dizziness was likely a product of the overwhelming hangover.

“You said it yourself,” Hongjoong sounds sad, almost disappointed, and Seonghwa’s frown gets deeper, “the guys, everyone really, they think I’m straight,” his words get more and more mumbled nearing the end of the sentence.

Seonghwa hums in agreement, narrows his eyes and tries to guess where he’s going with that.

“Well… I just,” Hongjoong takes a deep breath and, as he meets his mother’s eyes in the picture, he trembles, “I’m not ready,” he pauses, nervous, but looking at Seonghwa’s now wide and knowing eyes, he thinks he might be okay, “to come out or whatever.”

“Oh…” Seonghwa nods slowly, unsure of what else he’s allowed to do in such a situation. He’s definitely not the kind of person who would out someone else, nor would he pressure them into coming out themselves, “yeah, obviously you don’t have to” he tries to sound calm and confident but this is positively the most eventful morning he’s ever had and he’d just woken up about ten minutes ago. He could use a nap though.

Apparently he does come off as intended, because Hongjoong smiles brightly and pulls Seonghwa into a hug; burying his face in the crook of his neck, feeling way better when Seonghwa starts running a hand through his hair.

Hongjoong starts a trail of slow kisses from where he’d been buried all the way to behind his ear, enjoying the way Seonghwa trembles and clutches Hongjoong’s shoulder to keep his balance. Feeling a wetness in his ear lobe, Seonghwa closes his eyes and has an embarrassing flashback from the night before; him arching his back and moaning Hongjoong’s name loudly while digging his nails in the other’s back.

“I have an assignment to turn in,” Seonghwa says quickly, it was an excuse of course, but the more he felt Hongjoong’s touch against his skin the more he really needed a moment to process and realize all of that was real.

Hongjoong whines. “I can lend you my computer” he pouts, and Seonghwa feels his heart full.

He pecks Hongjoong’s lips for a short moment, he realizes that if he can initiate the contact himself, then it must be real.

“I’ll see you later, okay?” Seonghwa asks softly against Hongjoong’s lips and separates once he nods. “I have to, well, do you know where my pants are?” They both burst out in laughter at this and then proceed to look for Seonghwa’s pants. They were in the kitchen somehow, and that just initiates another round of loud laughter.

After a few minutes, some more kisses and having found all of his belongings, Seonghwa starts walking back to his apartment and when he catches his reflection in a store’s windows he asks himself,  _ does this count as a walk of shame? _

**Author's Note:**

> helloooo people, this is the first time that i post here on ao3... though i had a wattpad phase a few years ago hehe. 
> 
> english isn't my first language so please be understanding of any weird mistakes that you may notice, but i also greatly appreciate constructive criticism even if it makes me nervous :) 
> 
> please leave any comments you want! i find comments the most exciting part of posting my fan fiction! 
> 
> hope you enjoyed and eagerly await the rest of the story :D


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